the resident permit saga

i had a friend describe to me his bad experiences with german bureaucracy the other week. (i'm not going into his particular issues, as it's not for me to say) he's german and said that the german people like to make rules about rules and if there's a loophole found, instead of changing the rule, they just add another one onto it. i laughed and said it can't be that bad, but oh lordy how i was wrong. i found out that when you get here you have to 'apply' as a resident before you can do anything, ie live, work, get a house etc. this is whether you are a visitor, citizen or pure-bred card carrying member of the SS. i thought this was a little odd. never have i ever had to tell the australian government where i live, what i do or anythig of the sort, so i was a little put out by it and felt that it constituted somewhat of an invasion of privacy. not necassarily with me as a visitor to their country (i would want to keep tabs on visitors too), but to anyone who was born a german and will die a german. what kind of government wants to know all this kind of information? i thought it was dictatorships that enjoyed having this over their people's heads. 'we know where you are, so no speaking ill of us or your family gets it!' (hello china *waves politely*) but then i thought, maybe they don't have a census like we do. they do. but that's all besides the point and not what this post was about. i'll get into civil liberties and my ill-informed opinions of such another day.

where was i... that's right, confusion and unncessary bullshit... you need to register within a week of arriving at your new place of residence or you get a fine. i didn't ask or push the issue of fines, mainly because i was here three weeks before applying and i didn't want to seem suss. luckily though, because i was in frankfurt and mannheim and strasbourg and the like i got to say that as i was touring around i have only just settled into a residence. phew! but the first time i went up to the stadt heidelberg (it's the name it as you see it game again. in literal english - city heidelberg) to see about applying for a visa was a travesty of miscommunication, staff rudeness and plain old confusion. it wasn't just me either, a mexican woman, a french dude and an american were all there confused as hell and not sure what was going on. the mexican woman could speak german, but that didn't really help her. as she spoke to the woman at information she turned and looked at me as if to say, 'that didn't help, i'm more confused than i already was.' this all would have been very amusing had it not been for the fact we were dealing with people's passports and visas and more likely their ability to live, work and study in germany. when it finally got to my turn to ask someone something the woman i spoke to had no idea what i was talking about. it wasn't like she couldn't understand me or anything, her english was fantastic. she just had no idea what i was asking about. she just repeated herself over and over again about needing a passport-sized photo. i told her three times in a row i know what i need, i have it all at home. i just wanted information on how to apply for a visa and i wasn't lugging my precious documents around when i didn't need to. to which she responded with, 'you need a passport-sized photo...' i was getting nowhere. all i got out of it was a stack of information leaflets and many a form to fill out, all in german cause someone coming from overseas would obviously speak excellent german. i've yet to hear an american say guten tag (good day) or tchuss (informal goodbye - everyone says it here. pronounced tchuss by males and tchu-uss by feamles), let alone ask for a coffee in german. even the french just speak french to people here. sort of gives you an understanding to why people get pissed off when you don't speak their language. in any case, all i was after was something that is similar to the word auslander (which means foreigner or outsider, depending on your view of things) so at least i had a heads up on which direction might be the right one. anyway, i was then told that before i go for a visa i have to register downstairs as a resident of heidelberg. alexis tells me that he registered in berlin when he first arrived, but i haven't the heart to tell him that i think he needs to do it again here. i could be wrong though, and he does have a wacky visa that basically means he gets treated as a citizen of the EU doesn't need to do anything more than say, 'well, i'm here.' why can't i get one of those? mainly because you're a university drop out and even if you weren't, every man and his dog has an arts degree, so get back to washing those dishes and serving those coffees. as a side note, just to add to the confusion nothing in the stadt building was in any other language other than german, and there are no signs anywhere saying what anything is. is this normal of european visa centres? i know at home even the drug awareness and youth buildings have pamphlettes in other languages. it's called helping people be informed and not leaving them completely in the dark. the website for german visas is most amusing, as it states that what they're all about is helping people from other countries and backgrounds be involved with their city and help them to know what's going on. here's an idea, write it in several langauges. it doesn't even have to be english. what about spanish or mandarin and cantonese? i hear lots of people can speak those languages. but that's just the frustration talking.

so i go downstairs to register after a terrible introduction to the world of german bureaucracy and find myself in a circular room with eight different tables that form a figure eight formation. again, confusing and odd. that's just what you need to help people, a circular room, with circular tables, with nothing telling you what any of it means - not even in german. i felt like alice going down the rabbit hole. if anyone had offered me to drink this or eat that, i would have gladly accepted. anything to get me away from all of this. (i forgot to mention the fact i had to walk up and down the stairs of the six story building about ten times to find the information lady. i had to wait, uncertain if i was in the wrong place and not the pensioner building for about 30mins before i even got to talk to the useless woman who handed me the pamphlettes and forms and went on about about the bloody passport photo who wasn't even the information lady, but some strange mix of one of my lecturers from uni and an dirty fat emo. oddly enough, she didn't even say passport photo, but kept giving me measurements and the right angle of a head tilt. so you could say i wasn't in the best of moods by this stage.) after looking around this room i finally found another information lady, who was wonderful and put me straight back at ease again. she told me in english i had to take a number and wait. this i was relieved at. it felt like i was back at centrelink and waiting for someone who could re-activate my youth allowance after a paperwork error. aaah... the joy of familiarity. so i waited, not knowing what i was waiting for or what i had to do. i just knew i had to wait. when my number finally got called i circled the room trying to find the right table to go to. this was after watching many people, all with different complaints and looking very confused about the situation get up for their turn. one guy even had about ten licence plates for cars. another was going on about their dog. i'm not sure what this office isn't used for, as i think anything can get approved or denyed here.

so i walk up to the woman i'm suppose to get help from. this woman was all stereotyped german in attitude and in demeanor. i don't think it was a german thing, i think it's one of those, you work in a government office for so long you begin to hate everyone kind of deals. but i still think she would have been right at home standing next to goebbels, smiling as the bodies kept piling up knowing that the final solution was going to come to fruition. she had this pinched face and hair usually reserved for pensioners getting a budget-conscious hair style, clothes that a math teacher would ware and an expression that said i'm here to put through your paperwork not be your friend. this is one of those times where a funny accent wont help you and don't bother being nice, she isn't going to do you any favours. still i smiled and said, 'guten tag. sprechen sie englisch? entschuldigung, mein duestch ist nicht so gut. ich bin australien.' she looked at me as if i was death and was about to take her beloved dog to that far off farm, where he could play all day and chase cats for as long as he wanted. she replied, in english, 'yes. a little. what do you want?' not even a hello? a how are you? this was worse than the worst customer service i've experienced here. i explained what i wanted and a brief explanation that i didn't have documents with me cause i didn't know i even needed to do this. all i wanted was a little help and maybe some explanation as to what was required. and no i haven't filled in the form because it is in german and i don't want to put things in the wrong place and cause you more headaches. (to the camera, 'one more headache and this woman's brain would explode.') she sighed and turned to her friend, also a member of the we love goebbels society, and said in the most derogatory german, 'do we have an english form i can't be bothered looking for it and this guy is wating my time?' i don't know exactly what they said to each other, but the snide looks i received wasn't telling me it was good. anyway, once frau my-arse-is-so-tight-i-turn-coal-into-diamonds found the form and printed it out i got the hell out of there. i didn't have my passport so i couldn't register today, but i had to go back there another day. dear god! go back? you have got to be joking? if it wasn't for the fact i needed to do this in order to get a visa i would have just left and tried to forget the building existed, illegal immigrant or not.

as it stands, i went back two days later with a half-filled out form and my passport. i waited patiently (again for over 35mins) at the side of the rabbit hole. i sat there thinking please not that woman again. i know you have a sense of humour creator-type person, but this isn't humourous. it's like a bad sitcom that isn't funny and delagated the 1am timeslot. as i sat there i watchd what went down around me. it turns out that nearly every person behind a desk there is evil. i watched a guy get his euro ID from bitch at desk number three, someone register their dog with bitch at desk number five and... well you get the idea. none of them smiled, none of them asked how anyone was and none of them seemed to display any emotion that would class them as human and not tools of the devil. i was not looking forward to round two of let's treat the commoners like dirt. this'll be fun, this one doesn't speak our language. however, when my number came up i was at desk number two and as i couldn't see who was at that desk i was nervous. i could feel a cold sweat coming on and my hands felt clammy. 'is this what you feel like when you know you're going to die?' i remember thinking. it sounds a little dramatic, but i was surprised when i didn't see anyone get dragged off, kicking and screaming to the gas chamber. however, when i sat down i was pleasantly surprised to find a young frau who smiled, was genuinely nice and seemed actually interested in helping me. it was like i had won the jackpot. i got someone who had obviously not been there long enough to know that they should check their humanity at the door. i felt like giving this woman a hug. she even giggled when i said i didn't fill out my complete form as i was scared of putting things in the wrong spot. she smiled, assisted me and it all took about five minutes. she even spoke about as much english as i do german! but in the end, all that mattered was that i am in the system and because she stamped and entered in all my info i was now a resident of heidelberg. i just have to wait about 3-4 days before the paperwork gets completely processed and then i go for my visa. which means i start the process again with new people and on a different floor. luckily the girl i just saw explained to me which floor i have to go to and who i actually have to see, so i am not at a complete loss. i just fear what i will come up against now. i got past the devil's minions and what could be next? the devil himself? all i know is that i appreciate centrelink more now and long for the days of their (in hindsight) small inadequacies. at least they smile at you.